"You're Looking Good Today"... My journey to finding out my true self.

Epiphany moment. Have I been masking since childhood?

Myself and Jen have known for some time now that our son Ciarán is Autistic with moderate learning difficulties. Its a strain on the family, I won't lie. We love him to pieces, I'd do anything for him and for my family and anyone that has followed me for some time or has sat with me and asked me how's life will know how much time and effort I place into getting justice for the State Neglect that continues with our Irish Health Service Executive that has ignored our pleas for proper services and interventions.

I could feel myself getting angry, getting frustrated more and more mixed with stress, anxiety and not helped my misinformation in the media caused by US politicians on the topic of neurodiversity.

How many times through childhood and even as an adult have I had this:

• Why do people always think I talk to loud?
• A person who is immature?
• A person who is fixated on things?
• A person who doesn't give a simple answer to a question?
• A person who is described as "not listening" to others?
• A person who doesn't make eye contact?
• A person who interupts people to get their message heard?
• A person who needs a greater sense of justice?
• A person who shares to much about things that other people might not care about?

First step: awareness, second step: talking about it, third step: others commenting

"Have you ever thought that you are Autistic yourself Justin?"

Something that now in hindsight, I may have put on the long finger. So what if I am, so what if I self diagnosed? Or did I want to dig deeper?

I dug deeper. I started looking at things I did as a child, things I still do as an adult. My trigger points, what makes me feel overwhelmed? What pushes my buttons? Why has people always said I come across angry? What am I fixated on certain things. Why do I feel that I overshare at times? This and more.

Looking into my childhood, especially when both my parents are deceased was a tough area to dive into, it still is as I remove layers of that onion and unearth myself. However the more I think about my education, primary and secondary, the more I think there was areas that would have been flagged, especially being a parent of 2 young children and knowing the educational setup up now. Times in primary school where I lacked focus and interest, besides the years I was bullied, my small number of friends, the way I played. The way I interacted. Secondary school I was similar especially remembering flicking a coin to decide what additional subjects to study in my Leaving Cert cycle or even getting bare minimum points in my State examination because I lacked interest in certain subjects and thrived in others.

College - being top of my class because I studied a subject I was fixated on and when I do like something, I do get hyper-fixated. Whether this was Scouting, whether this is now technology and AV?

So Justin you're autisic

Was finding out I'm autistic a surprise? No! Has it been an eye opener? Yes. Has it had plenty of epiphany moments? Absolutely. Its teaching me to uncover areas I mask, areas I probably will always mask or try to unmask. It will continue to teach me how to deal with my triggering situations with work, with family, with friends.

Will it change me? No. It's a better understanding of me.

This is me, this is who I'm meant to be. This is me.

Justin Dawson is a multi-award winning AV Professional and Tech Influencer. Find more of his writings at www.SirJustinDawson.com